


I Am Sorry I Am Such A Disappointment

by Caledonia



Series: Dear Merlin, [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 06:45:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10077947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caledonia/pseuds/Caledonia
Summary: IMAGE HEAVYA one-sided view of complicated relationships as told through Arthur's journal entries.Part Three.---"You said sunflowers are your favourite because they are so beautiful that they look like an alien species and that made me smile because that's you, too."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and am not making any monetary gains from this work.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No images, just prose. Same content as Chapter 1.

Dear M,  
   It would have been an amazing first date. We laughed a lot and no one was nervous. You smiled at me once, with your head dipped, looking at me through your lashes and I stopped breathing.  
   You're so beautiful. The most beautiful thing on the planet. In the world. In the universe. How can you be so beautiful and so talented and so kind all and the same time? There is an uneven distribution of wealth in this world, Merlin, and you won the fucking lottery.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   I want to bring you flowers. I've never bought anyone flowers, not even her. You said sunflowers are your favourite because they are so beautiful that they look like an alien species and that made me smile because that's you, too.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   You told me today you want to become a plastic surgeon and that's why you're trying so hard. You said you don't want to be the implants kind, you want to be the kind who helps burn victims or other people who have been hurt badly and don't want to see the scars any more. You said you want to go to underprivileged areas and operate on babies with cleft palates.   
   I made a joke about the difficulties of being vegan in Africa, but when I got home I cried a little. How can I compete with that?  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   You asked about my changing majors today and I think I made you mad because I said it didn't matter. You asked wasn't there anything I want to do and I said that didn't matter either.  
   You said you had to go then, and left before I got a chance to explain. Nothing I want matters. I didn't want to go to uni at all. I want to be a fighter pilot. I want to join the air force and fly airplanes and help people. But that's never going to happen, so whatever else I want doesn't matter.  
   I wish I could make you understand.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   Classes start next week and you said you were sorry but once a week is really all you can manage for tutoring during term time. I sort of assumed you'd drop it completely, it's not like I'm getting any better at maths. You're too good, though. You won't give up on me.  
   I am sorry I am such a disappointment.   
      -A

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M,  
   I called the helpline again today. I don't know if you knew it was me. She's back from France for the new term, but she's never home now, and I think I know why.  
   I don't love her, not like that, so why do I feel rejected?   
      -A

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Dear M,  
   Saw you on the way to the pub tonight and asked if you wanted to come. You said you don't drink and that's fine but then you looked at me like you hated everything about me and said you need all your brain cells. You said it like I'm obviously not using mine. You must have heard the things they say about me and believed them. How stupid they think I am. The media...  
   I thought about walking away and never stopping. Like trying to see the limits of my body, how far I could go before I just stopped. I felt like walking to the sea and then swimming away until I was too tired to swim any more and then just stopping.  
   I will never be able to explain to you how unworthy I am and how much I love you any way.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   You missed our session today but that's expected. I know you're busy. I tried not to let it upset me, but I miss you. I know I don't have a right to, but I do.  
   I sat there in the library for the whole hour imagining if things were different and remembering the way you smiled at me once and how that smile was the whole world and you probably weren't even smiling at me at all.  
      -A

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M,  
   You missed another session.  
   I can't even eat.  
   All I think about is one day doing something worthy of you.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   She told me you're upset with me. Asked me what kind of _ARTHUR_ thing I did to you.  
   She's ordered me to apologise.  
   I have no idea what I've done.  
      -A

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to a suggestion from eilonwy77 I have added a second chapter to all of these which is just the prose with no images. It's a bit easier to read for those of you on mobile devices. Thanks for reading and than you so much for your lovely comments. There's *I think* two more parts left.


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